Why I have not cried this week…

Ever since the lime day I have cried every day this week. Not a simple cry but the tears rolling down your cheek type.

Probably not for the reasons you think so I thought it would be fun to share what I don’t miss living here that I thought I would, or to put it a different way these are things I have not cried over since living overseas. (that I thought I would be upset over or miss terribly)

1) Running water.

= I really thought I would miss it, but when we lost it in Melut I didn’t … I actually liked carrying water from the river to fill our tanks and our shower bucket. This puts me in the category of very odd and I know that…

2) A dryer.

– I really like hanging my clothes up to dry. Alot (another weird quirk I know). This I knew about myself before I made my home abroad as I was one of a handful of northwesters who tried not to use my dryer as often as possible.

3) A microwave

– This one surprises me. We have been without one for a year and half and I don’t miss it at all. I have found heating food in the oven or stovetop (or sun for that matter) is just as fast. I really don’t miss it

4) A dishwasher

– OK some days when we have lots of company over I do, but most days it just forces me to be on top of the dishes.

5) A washing machine

– To be fair we have one here and in SS my house help would wash all but the dirty diapers and underwear for me or my wash load would have been bigger. But I actually don’t mind hand washing diapers or underwear. A distinct disadvantage to this is that when we travel and my daughter spills something on her favorite shirt she says things such as, Mom our hotel room or this bathroom has a bar of soap and water just wash it for me so I can wear it again (sigh).

Any of these surprise you? Some of them surprise me! I am no better person for not being overwhelmed by these things like I thought I would be, there is nothing inherently spiritual in certain things not being a big deal. Let me say it again. It is not a spiritual virtue to not miss running water, or a microwave, or like washing things by hand in moderation – it is a weird personality quirk, and alot of grace for the seasons in my life where I have to do these disciplines. 

This week I DID cry because:

1) The vegetable lady was so generous (Friday)

2) William was missing Melut and expressing it for the first time and shed tears, so I cried and prayed with him. I walked to get fruit alone and the fruit guy counted out free apricots for each of my children and my husband and I, he called the boys by name and told them how he loved seeing them smile…my tears misted over a bit at his generosity and thoughtfulness. (Saturday)

3) The kids were dancing and cheering on the presidential inauguration and proclaiming their loyalty through song to the president here…(they have learned this from school) and I cried tears of laughter retelling my husband about their proclamations of the new presidents beauty.  I became totally overwhelmed by the amount of schoolwork I needed to do personally and with the girls, the lack of time and the state of my house. (Sunday)

4) My hand sanitizer exploded in my purse (ironically it was called “relaxation” for its scent), which I discovered after a very hard day in class where I had to read in script a story and as I was reading change all the personal pronouns (and thus verb conjugations). This frustrating experience combined with relaxing gel all over my purse apparently was too much for the tears to remain where they belonged.   We learned of a assault just across the bridge from us and I cried again. (Monday)

5) My husband and I evaluated recent news from Melut, and how this affects us (again) and all the unknown got the better of me. I cried with my teacher in class as we discussed this (in Arabic) and prayed together, for the country, for the people we know, for our future. We got a huge answer to a specific silent prayer that came out of the blue and it brought tears to my eyes...Cried empathetic tears with a friend as we prayed over some heartache. Chatted with a lady from South Sudan on the street and prayed with her as she told me her heartache over her country, we cried as we prayed together (in Arabic).  (Tuesday)

6) Ended up sitting on a couch in a lobby and having a discussion with a dear friend from here entirely in Arabic. Do you know the kind, the pour out your heart type, the type I thought I could never have in another language? This friend, well we often use the phrase that we are each others hearts (it doesn’t quite translate but lets just say God has knit us together as sisters…) We cried together, prayed together, I listened alot and spoke little (I think the language barrier helps my grief counseling), I prayed over her and before we knew it an hour had passed, we had gone through an entire box of kleenex. Later I wanted to cry that God had allowed us to carry on a deep conversation in another language and encourage each other so much (through tears). (Wednesday)

7) I so love being able to be with my kid for most of the day (they are in school only 4 hours away from me). I may have cried numerous times that my my job and role can be loving these guys, puppet shows, superhero capes, reading books, creating musicals, teaching to read, praying together, washing dishes together…yup thinking of this joy brings tears to my eyes too.

I know I sound like an emotional mess…so before I get a worried phone call I am crying but I am not drowning, I am actually floating along quite buoyantly, and laughing at the wonderful business I am bringing to the ladies that sell a3lbet mandeel (kleenex) on the street corners.

I am a mess in so many ways that it makes me smile to think that perhaps for this season I can add emotional mess to the list – but God is in the business of redeeming messes and the mix of good and hard tears this week was an almost comical reflection of life, the good and the bad all meshed together. I laughed  just as often this week, -often at my tears. In other news I am on some medication and that is the reason for the flood of easily accessible emotion – hopeful my body adjusts quickly and I can experience all the good and the bad without creating such a  puddle….but hey at least I have not cried yet over our lack of a microwave, or clothes dryer or dishwasher…it is the little victories right?