Pair-of-Ducks – Happy birthday to my firstborn daughters –

Some of the cross cultural training we were privileged to take part in  involved helping ourselves and our children that life overseas (ok really just life) is a like a pair of ducks. These ducks are the “yea!” ducks and the “yuck” duck and it is quite possible to feel both at the same time. I may feel great joy at an event and great sadness all at once. These emotions can be difficult to process because we cannot identify them as all joy or all sadness but rather a mix of the two that doesn’t quite have a name. Sometimes we chat with our kids about the emotional paradox (pair of ducks) in life. We will ask what their “yea” duck was and then their “yuck duck. Processing it in this way is helpful for all of us to see the good and the bad and how they can exist together.

Tonight is April 26th. We went to the movies today to watch Rio2 in 3D as our birthday outing, followed by McDonalds (a big treat here) for lunch and cake baking for our daughter to take to school tomorrow. Tomorrow is the day we celebrate 8 years of Ngmelut (my eldest). This milestone carries with it an incredible pair of ducks for me. Today my sweet friend (who came to celebrate with us) asked what I remembered about the day she was born. I often think of this on birthdays (do you?) and for me I think of climbing the elevator to go to the maternity suit with the nurse holding only my phone and wondering if my husband would make it in time. I don’t know why this moment stands out so clearly for me, I think it is because I realized for the first time that April 27th would be my girls birthday. I remember the door closing, the sound and smell of the elevator, watching the floor number light up and asking her, “Can I please hold her- I really need to say goodbye”.

An hour later with my husband standing beside me I was able to hold my firstborn. She was beautiful, but never cried. Twelve hours later I was able to touch my second born Ngmelut through her isolette in the NICU. These are a few of my strongest memories from her first day of life. Death and life all in one instance, goodbye and hello, yea and yuck emotions all mixed into one. I sat there 8 years ago wrestling with what to do – how to acknowledge the incredible miracle of my daughters birth and the tragic death of her sister all in one days time.

Every year around this time I take a trip down memory lane. One of my best friends skyped me to tell me about the cherry trees (how we remember Marylou) blooming all around her and that she was thinking of us. My parents drove by the house in our passport country to see the tree we planted in her memory full of blooms. My sister visited her grave to deliver flowers and a picture our way.

This season in our life is one full of the yea and the yuck ducks too. We miss our family in our passport country and our home and friends in Melut, but we love the rhythm to our days here, the chance to learn language and the wonderful sights we get to experience. We miss our friends in similar life stages and knowing what to say without thinking, and we love the chance to speak and learn new cultures and experiences. We love the red sea, and miss Puget Sound. All in one breath, all in one complicated emulsified emotion.

I’ve always tried to make the 26th about remembering Marylou and the 27th about remembering Ngmelut. But today I am remembering them both, together my firstborn daughters. But I am not just thinking of them and my memories from eight years ago I am remembering the God who met me in that elevator as the doors closed and I had to say goodbye and hello with one breath. I am thinking of who He is, how He has blessed me and what a joy it is to seek to know Him more. The days get less complicated when I remember who He is, the tasks less confusing and the emulsified emotions of “yea” and “yuck” less important in the light of the grace for each moment.

Happy birthday to Ngmelut my daughter who embraces and loves like no other, who thinks of others often, who tackles challenges head on, who loves to create, build and see others succeed. Who loves so deeply it hurts to say goodbye and laughs like no other when times are sweet. I love you. Happy Birthday to my Marylou too, who taught me to not be afraid to love, even it meant saying goodbye, who taught me more of God’s character, and that we can trust the God who doesn’t always do what we want – but always gives the grace to find him in our points of grief. Happy birthday to my daughter who taught me to not cling to tightly to what we love but to entrust it to the one who holds the future. Happy birthday to my twins, my paradoxical blessings. Mom is so grateful for both of you and the ways God is using you to help me love the paradoxical life we’ve been given and see the grace of God in emulsified emotions.