“Never , in peace or war, commit your virtue or your happiness to the future. Happy work is best done by the man who takes his long-term plans somewhat lightly and works from moment to moment ‘as to the Lord.’ It is only our daily bread that we are encouraged to ask for. The present is the only time in which any duty can be done or any grace received.”
The Weight of Glory
-CS Lewis
It is so humbling to be typing from the same flat I was in last year, I don’t think I could have imagined this scenario even in my dreams. I expected to be writing about starting water ministry, returning to Melut after SLC and settling into changes of routine in the location among the people we love so dearly – In the past year so much has changed and so much is different. I am still hanging my laundry up to dry with tears down my cheeks and the Lord still meets me there and into this sweet grace I find myself leaning with passion I didn’t know I had in me.
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Last year around this time we had no idea what the year held for us, we knew that we needed to shift directions and that our carefully laid plans would be put aside for a new one.
Last year, around this time, we said goodbye to J– and he went into our new home to build us a home. We spent three weeks apart.
Last year, around this time, we stepped out to a new country knowing very little about the location we were traveling to in firm assurance that God was directing us there.
So much is the same. And in the same breath so much is different because we are so different.
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This year it has been much harder to say goodbye to J–, over the year our sense of home has shifted from things, and steady location to family, and as such seeing a member of our little clan apart has been heart wrenching for us.
Our hearts are scattered across several countries and these losses we carry with us as we travel and prepare to love again.
We all cry more readily, cling more fervently to the gift of relationships and friendships in the here and now.
We have a striking clarity of what we want our lives to be about and it is much more vague then it was last year, we want to be about Knowing God, clinging to Him in trust and faith and living our lives in the present – at the cost of security, things, and even a consistent home. What we do has paled in comparisons to this and this alone.
We lean into little graces with much more fervor then we ever did before and trust God will provide another measure of grace just when we need it like never before.
We worry a lot less, plan a lot less, are anxious a lot less and soak up the day to day much more.
We pray a lot more.
We are different people then we were last year.
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I want to be honest I feel tired, broken and hurt. Tears come swiftly, losses seem greater and the tears flow again. I want to be transparent that God’s grace has met me in each step, often through tears but exactly what I need.
I am full of fear that this next year will be just as hard, and in the same breath and passionate cry to God that He will draw me to Him and refine even if it is harder than my wildest dreams.
I find myself hanging clothes and the Lord asking me again, “Abuk, am I enough. If I brought you here and there and back here again and onto another place just so you could know more of me is that enough? Am I enough?”
Tears come more readily this year as I respond my “yes”. “ Lord you are enough and where you lead is where I want to go” .
With the tears though comes a deeper longing that wasn’t there last year, a desire to know Him more that is somehow greater than I’ve ever known. A literal cry to know God, lean into faith and rest in grace.
The laundry line has broken over the year, there are only three lines instead of six and D-man is potty training so I must do laundry more often, what grace to be met and reminded of who He is and who I am and what matters through broken laundry lines, tears, and wet laundry.
Here is the song I am singing these days as I hang laundry. The excerpt above from the book I am reading sits on the washing machine. Just when it all gets overwhelming it becomes times to wash the clothes and hang them up to dry again. God meets me in the quiet evenings as I put damp clothes on a broken line and He whispers to me that He is all I need not security, possessions, stability, friendships, or being where my heart longs to be but my body cannot. He whispers to me, “Abuk I am enough rest in me” and gives me the grace to cry as He refines me and pulls out the pieces of my heart that long for anything other than knowing Him.
Cry of My Heart
-Starfield
There’s a cry in my heart for your glory to fall for your presence to fill up my senses. There’s a yearning again a thirst for discipline a hunger for things that are deeper. Could you take me beyond could you carry me through. If I open my heart could I go there with you.
What do I have if I don’t have you Jesus what in this life could mean anymore. You are my rock you are my glory you are the lifter of my head. Lifter of this head.
There’s a cry in my heart for your glory to fall for your presence to fill up my senses. There’s a yearning again a thirst for discipline a hunger for things that are deeper. Could you take me beyond could you carry me through. If I open my heart could I go there with you. For I’ve been here before but I know there’s still more. Oh Lord I need to know you.
What do I have if I don’t have you Jesus what in this life could mean anymore. You are my rock you are my glory you are the lifter of my head. Lifter of this head.
Thank you Amie for your honesty and openness. I learn so much from you. It´s hard to trust when the future is so uncertain, but all we have is today. The future is always uncertain.
Thank you for sharing your longings and your wrestling with us, my dearest sister. You are in our thoughts and prayers often. It is such a privilege to partner with you guys.