Fear, grace and God’s character

I expected this blog to be un-written in until babies arrival but I had to share about today.

Today I found myself lying in my room crying. I had noticed less fetal movement and decided to try and get the kick counts I needed for the day, only to have no response from baby with all the normal “stimulation” that usually awakens him. Several things happened I cried, and realized I needed to quickly find childcare for three active under six year olds in order to drive to my OB (about 1 hr) to get some non-stress tests done.

Within moments of making the choice about what to do Barb was on her way to pick up my kids and my mom was on her way to drive me up. That car ride up I was trying really hard not to focus on the lack of movement or allow fears of our previous stillbirth to overrun my emotions but I found myself battling the monster of fear. I found myself wanting to spend most of my time focusing on the possibility of what could be instead of focusing on the I am. The who always outweighs the circumstances and as I walked into the office the image of me walking in five years ago to learn we had lost our firstborn flooded to my mind and I found myself praying that it would be taken from me (the fear not the moment) and in its place God would grant me peace in who He was.

Baby passed all tests as needed and was diagnosed as being extra sleepy and engaged, both which would cause less movement, and I was left reflecting on Grace. Grace to love this baby another day, the gracefulness of friends, who are more like family, that deeply love us and drop schedules to love on my kids, and finally God’s grace to me that when I forget who He is and replace it with the worry of my circumstances he forgives me and helps restore me to right relationship with Him.

Lord willing we will meet this baby this Thursday morning, but my faith lies not in the outcomes of this week but the character of the one I serve. What this means is that regardless if we are here in WA, or serving in Sudan the one whom I serve outweighs the circumstances of the moment and by His Grace we can focus on who He is and seek to know Him letting the rest go.

Please join me in praying for these next few days that God will show me great peace in His character and I will not allow fear to rule my life. Pray for wisdom as I monitor baby’s movements and grace with my children as we prepare, in faith, for littlest one to join our family.

I thought it fitting to include this picture that my dear friend Sara took for us several weeks ago…to me it speaks of hope, but our hope lies not in circumstances but in the very character of God who He is and the grace he gives us eternally, and day to day.