We are here! We have internet (!)
It has been a busy few weeks back. Our favorite things about being back are feeling settled into routine. I am really realizing how much a life of transition is exausting. Stepping back into our little pre-fab was amazing because we knew for awhile we could be in one place, not living out of a suitcase and enjoying life.
We expected Melut to be much greener but not much rain has come our way (yet). We are preparing for the coming weather by weathering the house and preparing our soul for gardening. Little Karkaday sprouts have poked through the surface in one of the beds J– made me outside and it makes me so excited for this coming season. Our first twenty four hours in South Sudan involved a snake and three scorpions in our house, a bat in our bed, and 100 liters of water that we mopped up off our floor during the first rain. Life has settled down a bit since then.
This evening I couldn’t find my eldest so I went looking. She was sitting behind the house, alone and crying. She was sitting with us eating and then was gone. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. She told me she was thinking about her fun day and wanted to tell Grandma and that led to the tears because she missed Grandma so very much (and Grandpa too). The good and bad, the happy and sad for her were so mixed up she couldn’t figure out how to process her emotions. A really fun day, and no grandma to share it with. Catching five geckos but no Sampson to play fetch with, singing songs with friends, but no VBS or CC friends to learn alongside. We cried together and talked about things we loved, and missed about life now. A part of my mommy heart wanted to apologize for her loss, for her loneliness after all we had brought her here but I knew that her grief was hers to bear, life is full of griefs and not bringing her here would have brought a slew of other griefs across her path. I could cry alongside her and be sad with her but I couldn’t take her grief away. A part of my mommy heart wanted to explain away her grief, look at all we have here that we didn’t there. Or don’t cry we will see her soon etc… but that would have negated the real emotions in her. I could cry alongside her and be sad with her. We sat down for a bit and cried. We talked about deep griefs and deep joys. We skyped Grandma and we prayed.
I’ve been thinking alot about grief. We all encounter it on a daily basis. Some of it is obvious and some are the griefs of failed expectations, or loss of hopes or dreams. I want to be a mom that sits alongside my daughter as she processes her griefs, I want to cry with her, to pray with her and to stay out of the way so the God of all comfort can meet her in her grief in a powerful way. I want to be the pathway that leads her to the ultimate healer, the one who wipes our tears, the God of comfort.
It is good to be back in Melut and hard. Mostly good but the griefs are there alongside the good. In some ways the griefs make the goodness brighter. Our days are taking on a spirit of normalcy, our relationships are continuing to grow, our children are learning, growing and thriving. New life is pushing through dry soil, rains patter on the roof, beans cook on the stove and we live life like you do on the seas of grief and joy….but Grandma Melut would be better with you here…